The Eyes of the Lord

First off, for the perhaps one reader in the world who has ever perused Smiley Morning, I apologize for my long delay in returning to posts. Over the summer, my life took a blessed turn of events in my engagement and marriage to a wonderful man. Since then, not only has Smiley Morning been placed aside, but my personal Bible study as well.

Which brings me to the topic of this post: my complete inability to rid myself of God.

Seems like an extreme statement to make, doesn't it? But as I was thinking of posting today, I was reminded of Psalm 139: 1-12: ^"You have searched me, Lord,and you k now me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down, you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn,  if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.  If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you."

Then you begin to realize, all these weeks and months that you have left the Lord on the back burner, he has still seen you. He's seen me having joy at my wedding, then yelling at my husband. Shivering in the cold of new frosts and dragging myself through another day from a cold. He's watched me have a bad attitude about making dinner, and then my mixed emotion of joy and confusion over petty details and major changes. Through it all, I wonder if he looks for me to come to him, and yet, I am too proud to do so.

I was watching a show called "My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding" on television the other day when one of the girls, a young, flippant divorcee who had been abused as a wife, admitted with a bite in her voice, "I don't live with plans. I live in the moment." Living without the Lord makes me think that way: a momentary fixation on the things of this world, rather than eternal. How, then, should we live? Paul answers, ^"Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil." (Ephesians 5: 15-16)

It is strange to think that God wishes us to reflect so soberly. I glory in cupcakes, getting off work, and my husband remembering to call me beautiful! But God is looking at my life much more intently to see me not hiding from him or dodging the spiritual, but soberly becoming the woman he wants me to be. I want my life, and my Biblical womanhood, to begin again. I want to go back to the God who sees all my rising and sitting, and make it a point to learn from him. Otherwise, the passing "mist" of my life will only be for self satisfaction and complaint. 

How can we start living as if God is watching?

Clothed in [Im]Patience

Boy, has it been one of those days.

You know what I'm talking about.

The printer goes haywire on you. The person you thought you could depend on tells you the opposite of what you want to hear. Your friend spills cider down your leg. You forget how many projects you have due the upcoming week.

Cue Colossians 3:12-15:   "Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."

I'm not naturally a Colossians 3 type of girl. In fact, I literally had to hole myself in my room this evening in order NOT to start throwing things at certain people in my vicinity. I wish I could tell you one by one how many times I bit my tongue and asked how someone else was doing instead of complaining; and still, I would call that Holy Spirit divine intervention, since I felt like glaring instead.

It is almost funny to think of my own life in comparison to the man who wrote Colossians. This is the same man of 2 Corinthians 6:3-10, the chapter which calls itself in the NIV "Paul's Hardships":
"We put no stumbling block in anyone’s path, so that our ministry will not be discredited. Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything."

Pain, sorrow, sleeplessness, trouble. Hardship and distress. YET patience, rejoicing, the knowledge of "possessing everything"?! Here I am complaining about printer ink!

Paul wasn't calling out to the church of Colosse with a snobbish sneer, telling them to put on righteousness without doing it himself. He had endured imprisonment, and was enduring it still even at the writing of the letter of Colossians, sending the letter off from a Roman prison through the hand of Epaphrus, a fellow servant in Christ. His response to the pain and frustration he endured wasn't anger or annoyance, however. It was patience. He encouraged others from his prison cell to continue the work of God. He thanked others who were succeeding in spreading the Word and prayer. He was a light despite the potential annoyance of his imprisonment.

That is definitely clothing oneself in holiness.

Moon Worship

 It was a lovely weekend to be off school and to be pursuing the outdoors (primarily why I am a week late on this post). However, it caused me to think a lot about the glory of Creation and how much beauty God has given it. 

I have always been a lover of Creation. Since I was young, I attempted to catch robins in makeshift traps with my sister (we soon figured out that using a laundry basket and seed would not grant us a robin), watching the moon through my window at night, and wandering my backyard in contemplation with menfolk on the mind. There have been times when I have adored Creation so much it felt painful to be away (indoors) at any regular basis from it. However, the more I ground myself in Christ, the more I begin to realize that all of the beauty and adoration I feel for Creation is actually tied into God himself.

Since the Israelites first bumped shoulders with heathen men, God called them to a different perspective on Creation, saying, "When you look up to the sky and see the sun, the moon and the stars--all the heavenly array--do not be enticed into bowing down to them and worshiping things the LORD your God has apportioned to all the nations under heaven" (Deut. 4:19). Our sinful intention is to turn to things that are glorious and full of wonder to idolize, but in the New Testament Paul reiterates about the sinful people vs. the holy people's reaction to what is glorious about Creation."They [wicked people] exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen" (Romans 1:25).

Our immediate reaction to the absolute knee-knocking beauty of God's creation should be a praiseworthy love and attitude towards God. Now when I go outside into Creation, I feel an overwhelming sense of wonder in God. The other day as I was visiting in a state park with a friend, the snow was gently falling around us, and despite the cold wind, I marveled at how beautiful God really was. He had created a place in this world for me to feel entirely myself and be prayerfully thankful in that moment.

Psalm 24:1 reminds us, "The earth is the Lord's and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it". Even though today we can only visibly "see" the Creation and not the Creator, we can bring glory to him by being stunned by the world he has given us to explore. As flowers bloom anew and life is breathed into the breeze and the warmth, we turn to the sun not with worship for its rays, but with joy for the One who overshadows us with the beauty of his workmanship.

Donkeys, Diviners, and Divine Intervention

Being sick has thrown a wrench in my Sunday post plans, but it's no excuse for being two days late! Yesterday, I spent a good hour or so catching up on my personal Bible study as well.

I've reached Numbers now in my read-through of the Bible, and particularly hit on the stories of the Israelites and their eventual destruction of the Midianites. One of the main stories that stuck out to me was the oft-recited children's story of Balaam the diviner and his little faithful donkey. What we forget as adults is the surrounding story around Balaam's journey and interruption by divine authority.

Balaam had been summoned by Balak, the king of Moab, to come to Moab and curse the people of Israel, who were certain to overrun Moab and destroy it. When Balak's officials arrived to take Balaam to their king, Balaam contacted God, who on first prayer, said Balaam should remain. The second time that Balaam prayed, however, God appeared to have consented:

^"That night God came to Balaam and said, “Since these men have come to summon you, go with them, but do only what I tell you.” Balaam got up in the morning, saddled his donkey and went with the Moabite officials.But God was very angry when he went, and the angel of the Lord stood in the road to oppose him. Balaam was riding on his donkey, and his two servants were with him. When the donkey saw the angel of the Lord standing in the road with a drawn sword in his hand, it turned off the road into a field. Balaam beat it to get it back on the road. Then the angel of the Lord stood in a narrow path through the vineyards, with walls on both sides.When the donkey saw the angel of the Lord, it pressed close to the wall, crushing Balaam’s foot against it. So he beat the donkey again. Then the angel of the Lord moved on ahead and stood in a narrow place where there was no room to turn, either to the right or to the left. When the donkey saw the angel of the Lord, it lay down under Balaam, and he was angry and beat it with his staff.Then the Lord opened the donkey’s mouth, and it said to Balaam, “What have I done to you to make you beat me these three times?” Balaam answered the donkey, “You have made a fool of me! If only I had a sword in my hand, I would kill you right now.” The donkey said to Balaam, “Am I not your own donkey, which you have always ridden, to this day? Have I been in the habit of doing this to you?” “No,” he said. Then the Lord opened Balaam’s eyes, and he saw the angel of the Lord standing in the road with his sword drawn. So he bowed low and fell facedown. The angel of the Lord asked him, “Why have you beaten your donkey these three times? I have come here to oppose you because your path is a reckless one before me. The donkey saw me and turned away from me these three times. If it had not turned away, I would certainly have killed you by now, but I would have spared it.” Balaam said to the angel of the Lord, “I have sinned. I did not realize you were standing in the road to oppose me. Now if you are displeased, I will go back.” The angel of the Lord said to Balaam, “Go with the men, but speak only what I tell you.” So Balaam went with Balaam's officials.""(Numbers 22:20-35)

What initially confused me about this passage was that Balaam obeyed God's orders and yet, God was "angry" at Balaam for following the Moabite officials---the very thing he had told Balaam to do! When I re-read the passage, though, it appeared God had provided a cavaet in his command that Balaam had blithely (or, as the angel of God said, "recklessly") ignored: go with the officials BUT only do what I tell you. It was as if he was telling Balaam he could go, but wait for further orders. Balaam however, simply saddled his donkey and headed out, and then was so far from true communication with God he completely ignored various signals that he should stop his donkey. Only a very foolish and stubborn man would keep attempting his own way even after a donkey spoke to them to stop!

I was thinking over Balaam's stubbornness and decision to follow his own way, and it reminded me of my own life. How often do I praise God for things that have happened to me, or ask him advice in major decisions or deadlines? Hardly ever. Prayer is one of my greatest weaknesses. My communication with God suffers daily. Then, of course, I am annoyed and frustrated when an angel blocks my way to my goal, and I just whip myself into a fury attempting to continue, just like Balaam and his donkey. Yet all along God was trying to tell me, "Only do what I tell you". 

By no means do I believe in the humanistic philosophy that godly intervention frequently occurs, but if we listened more, do you think we would notice it more? Perhaps the frustration of life would be more peaceful and we'd have a reason to set forward in our decisions with more joy from God. Simply asking God is enough to acknowledge his approval is needed. 

It was strange for me to note that after Balaam's donkey incident, he did indeed predict the success of the Israelites to Balak (not the curse of them, which Balak had desired), but not long afterward, the Israelites swept in and killed the diviner. Although he had been the mouthpiece of God for a brief time, he was still an image of rebellion. Not only did he express it through the donkey story of stubbornness, he had chosen a career (sorcery) which he surely knew was against God's commands, if he had known God intimately at all. Our stubbornness to go our own way indeed shows a heart at the core that is rebellious, not humble and teachable. Our choices should be to call upon God before an angel blocks our way.

Peace, Be Still

The weeks of insanity never seem to end in my world. Stiff backs, sore feet, and sick days become as universal a constant as does completing assignments and trying to squeeze in time for cleaning my room (in a constant state of ineffective disorganization after several days away). Finally I plunked down this evening to catch up on some much needed study, exhausted from another long weekend at work.

The passage that stuck out to me the most was Mark 4: 37-40 (NKJV). Christ was heading to the other side of a lake after a long day of preaching, when death seemed to loom at the disciples' doorsteps (or, more accurately, at the stern of their ship).

"And a great windstorm arose, and the waves beat the boar, so that it was already filling. But he was in the stern, asleep on a pillow. And they awoke him and said to him, "Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?" Then he arose and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, "Peace, be still!" And the wind ceased and there was a great calm. But he said to them, "Why are you so fearful? How is it that you have no faith?""

I was thinking all day at work how busy I am. I never have a chance to have a full Sabbath rest, and prayer has definitely been put on the back burner. Part of it is because I am afraid of failure. Will I have enough money to pay back loans? Will I be able to finish school, let alone this semester with good grades? Will I get such and such assignment done? A lot of my life revolves around a fear of failure from the perfection I strive for, and in that fear, I forget about God.

A friend of mine told me recently that I shouldn't be so anxious about my school and work. "You know yourself by now that you will do your best to complete it," she advised, "So don't worry." I could take the same advice in saying, I know God well enough by now that he will provide enough to complete it. When the storms of life crash in, and we're full of fear and trembling that it just won't calm down, God gazes into our eyes and whispers, "Peace, be still." It is there in his presence we are no longer meant to fear the crisis of this life.

The Sober Jane Austen

Pride and Prejudice. It seems like an odd way to discuss a Biblical life, but it was interesting to me to see a modern author’s take on what moral issues the characters from Jane Austen’s famous novels were able to use in their fictional stories. Apparently, according to the author, Austen’s characters are able to navigate relationships and decisions with a sort of pseudo  religiosity, without all the bells and whistles of Scripture.

To me, though, the reality of Austen’s good characters resonate the Christian upbringing Austen had herself. Without a moral backbone, things like purity, respect and kindness to others, and even propriety and thoughtfulness jump out the secular window. One of the main issues the author talked about was the steadiness of Austen’s characters; may we say, the maturity of Austen’s characters? They act like adults in their relationships and decisions. There is no name calling, cat calling, berating or belittling. Instead, humbled by circumstances and corrected by peers and elders alike, the “good” characters so revered in Austen’s writings come out in the end with more moral fiber than ever.

There is the same sort of steadiness, daresay, seriousness, of pursuing temperate character in Scripture. “A man of knowledge uses words with restraint,” Prov. 17:27 reminds us, “and a man of understanding is even-tempered.” Proverbs is scattered with a call towards silence instead of speaking; it is a fool who blabs and bickers, whereas in this modern day society of cellphones and Facebook, all gossip is fair game. The more talk, the merrier. It is interesting to note that the very behavior the world condemns as introverted and unsociable, the Bible commends as wise.

Sobriety and humility continue to exhibit themselves in the way we live our lives as adults, growing maturely in the words of God. In Romans 12:3, Paul advises, “Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.” Our attitudes about ourselves and our behaviors should not be flippant, but considerate and full of sobriety. It is not prudish, but prudent.

It is with some frustration that the author of Hebrews reminds his recipients that they are still children, clinging to elementary teachings of the Word; indeed, not soberly prepared at all. He echoes 1 Cor. 3: 1-3 (“Brothers, I could not address you as spiritual but as worldly—mere infants in Christ. I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you no worldly? Are you not acting like mere men?”) in which Paul struggles to place the believers under his care into more mature and sober thinking. For the author of Hebrews, maturity equates with a search for righteousness. Otherwise, we drink milk and maintain our childish ways to the world.

“We have much to say about this [the elementary teachings of Jesus as High Priest], but it is hard to say because you are slow to learn. In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God’s word all over again. You need milk, not solid food! Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil.” (Heb. 5:11-14)

Today in high schools everywhere, the trend is for the loudest mouth to get the most popularity, and it is the angry manager who wrathfully proceeds over an entire company. Yet in Scripture, the sober-minded are rewarded with a closer pathway in conjunction with righteousness, a higher character, and a more noble calling towards others in our life. How much do we listen and humbly (soberly) make our choices in our response, whether it is through silence or speech?

Filled to the Measure

I was reading a book recently by Dr. Deborah Newman entitled, "Comfortable in Your Own Skin". The book primarily focuses on exposing your past feelings and opinions about yourself from experiences in childhood and beyond, and how it shapes your view of who God made you to be. Mostly, her opinions seem to revolve primarily on Psalm139:13-16, in which David marvels at his personal worth in God's eyes.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

David prefaces this portion of the Psalm talking about how he cannot flee from the God who created him. God will not abandon the work he placed on earth, nor will he allow it to depart his sight, because he has ordained a plan for it, as he has for all of the things he created. 

I loved the quote Dr. Newman used from George MacDonald: "I would rather be what God chose to make me than the most glorious creature that I could think of; for to have been thought about, born in God's thought, and then made by God, is the dearest, grandest and most precious thing in all thinking."

Those who have struggled with depression can tell you that the last thing on earth they feel like is a "precious thing". They feel lost in darkness, where beauty and joy no longer reign; yet in David's simple Psalm, he cries out to a God in that same darkness. "Where can I go from your Spirit?" He asks, "Where can I flee from your presence?" (Psalm 139:7)

 In speaking to the church in Ephesus, Paul remembers that limitless love. In Ephesians 3:17-19 he declares, "I pray that you [the believers in Ephesus], being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." He recognizes again the God that surpasses the darkness in order to take to his heart the created works, giving them fullness in his very self, in his own glory.

It is with adoration and relief that we, too, can look up and know we are worthy, that through the darkness we cannot "flee" from his presence, but that he has predestined us to be filled with all of the fullness of himself and the worth he has granted us as his created works.